Scene 1-7
Characters
INT. THE REHAB FACILITY, ISLE OF WIGHT, UK.
SFX: REHAB "MUZAK" INTERRUPTED BY A HAPPY JINGLE
REHAB CLERK
(pleasant)
Patients are reminded that today's activity will be will begin in five minutes. All participants are expected to report to the recreation ground on time.
ALAN
(Sighs)
Amy, do you know what today's activity is?
AMY
Dating one-oh-one
ALAN
At my age? Surely I should be exempt.
AMY
You know how they are Alan, if you want to be a "good" member of Straight society then you have to learn how to date the opposite sex.
ALAN
It's a seventy-percent male population in here. How the hell are they going to do that?
AMY
I dunno.
ALAN
Where's Brad, I am sure he would be raring to go for today's activity?
AMY
Medical.
ALAN
Oh... I hope nothing bad happened to him.
AMY
His collar went off in the shower.
ALAN
Ouch
SFX: ELECTRONIC SCHOOL BELL
ALAN
Come on, we better go, don't want to receive a late punishment.
SFX: WALKING ACROSS CLEAN FLOOR, SWING DOORS OPENING, STEPS CHANGE TO GRAVEL
FACILITATOR
(Mothering)
Okay everyone, settle down, find a space. Men you are this side, women you are on the other. I'm your facilitator Bethany.
FACILITATOR
Today we are concentrating on first impressions when dating. We have a setup a bar situation here with some lovely dressed up mops for the men and brooms for the ladies.
Alan, we will start with you.
ALAN
Do I have to? I'm seventy-two!
FACILITATOR
Yes Alan. Age is not a factor we tend to worry about, its more about the continuation of societal norms. Now give your lovely lady a name.
ALAN
(Under breath)
This is preposterous.
FACILITATOR
Have you named her?
ALAN
(Resigned sigh)
Yes.
FACILITATOR
Please share her name with the rest of the class.
ALAN
Brenda.
FACILITATOR
A bit old school but fine, Brenda it is. Brenda is at the bar, waiting for you to make a move, what do you say.
ALAN
I'd start by introducing myself perhaps.
FACILITATOR
Don't be ridiculous Alan, how is Brenda going to know you are the Alpha. What you need to say is
(Fake alpha voice)
Nice tits luv, they'd look better with my face between them.
ALAN
That's just not something I would say.
FACILITATOR
Well, it's something you need to learn to say Alan, maybe if you had then you might not have been a lonely man posting illegal things on StraightSpace.
FACILITATOR
Let's see how our ladies do. Amy what's the name of the nice man your talking to?
AMY
Fine, I'll play along, he's called Orlando
FACILITATOR
Okay, well that's an exotic name
AMY
(suppressed laughter)
Yeah, Orlando Broom
FACILITATOR
(oblivious they are being mocked)
Okay so, lovely Orlando comes up to you in the bar and starts a conversation. What do you do?
AMY
(suppressed laughter)
I'd probably just brush off his advances.
FACILITATOR
(slightly upset)
Well no... as we have already discussed you need to take advantage of this opportunity. Let's try something else.
Hunky Orlando compliments you on your hair or appearance. What is your response.
AMY
(Trying to suppress laughter and failing)
Well, he's not exactly trying to sweep me off my feet is he.
FACILITATOR
Well... not but....
(realises what was said, gets really upset)
Look, if you're not going to take this seriously then I'm just going to not do it. Class is over.
SFX: FOOTSTEPS RUNNING AWAY AND THE FACILITATOR CRYING
ALAN
Amy, you are so cruel.